A yes, no, maybe list is a tool couples use to explore what they want — separately, privately, and without pressure. Each partner marks activities as yes, no, or maybe. Then you compare. The things you both said yes to come up first. It is used by sex therapists and counsellors as a structured way to start conversations that are otherwise hard to have.
This guide covers where the format came from, how therapists use it clinically, what it is often misunderstood to be, and how to do it well.
On this page
- Where it came from
- How sex therapists use it
- Three things it is not
- How to do it well
- What to do with your results
- When this is not the right tool
- Frequently asked questions
Where it came from
The yes, no, maybe format has its roots in sex-positive communities — particularly BDSM spaces — from the 1990s and early 2000s. It was developed as a practical way to navigate preferences and boundaries between partners clearly and without ambiguity. The goal was to give couples a shared vocabulary before a conversation had to happen face to face.
Heather Corinna and the team at Scarleteen brought it into mainstream sex education, adapting it for a general audience that had never encountered the format in its original context. From there, sex therapists adopted it.
The tool spread through clinical practice because the structure itself works. A couple can spend years together without ever directly naming what they want or do not want. The list gives them a way to do that without either person having to speak first. The American Association of Sexuality Educators, Counselors and Therapists (AASECT) and similar professional bodies have long treated it as a standard tool in couples work — not a fringe exercise, not an advanced technique.
Where it came from matters, because it shapes what people assume about who it is for. It was built for people who needed an honest way to have difficult conversations. That has not changed. Only the audience has widened.
How sex therapists use it
Sex therapists recommend the yes, no, maybe list for one specific reason: it separates the answer from the reaction.
When you answer face-to-face, you are not just answering. You are watching your partner’s face. You are anticipating a response. You are adjusting what you say, in real time, based on what you expect they want to hear. Research shows that even in safe, loving relationships, people hold back — not out of dishonesty, but out of protection. The instinct to guard yourself from the possibility of rejection overrides the knowledge that your partner probably will not judge you.
Completing the list separately removes that dynamic entirely. You answer honestly when no one is watching. Then you compare.
A large meta-analysis drawing on 48 separate studies found a significant positive relationship between sexual communication and sexual function. For married couples, the correlation was even stronger. The research has been consistent on this for decades: couples who can talk openly about desire have better sex lives and stronger relationships overall. That is not a surprising finding when you think about it. What is surprising is how rarely most couples actually have those conversations.
The yes, no, maybe format is designed to lower the cost of starting. Completing it separately before comparing is not optional advice — it is the recommendation from practitioners across the field. Doing it together, in the same room, changes what people say.
Three things it is not
It is not only for kinky couples.
This is the most persistent misunderstanding, and it comes directly from the format’s origins. Some versions of the list include explicit content. But the structure — fill it out separately, compare results, talk about what you share — works for any couple at any stage of a relationship.
You can use a broad list or a focused one. You can use one that covers a narrow range of things you already know you are both interested in. The framework does not prescribe what you explore. It just gives you a way to explore it without either person having to ask first.
It is not just for new relationships.
Long-term couples often get more from this than new ones. They have more assumptions to surface. More unspoken territory. More drift that has quietly accumulated over time. Around 80% of couples experience mismatched desire at some point in their relationship. The longer the relationship, the more likely that gap has opened up — and the less likely either person has named it. A list gives it somewhere to go.
It is not a checklist to complete.
The value is not in reaching the bottom of the list. It is in the conversations that happen because of it — the ones you would not have had any other way. Think of it less as a form and more as a door. What matters is what happens when you open it.
For more on who this is for and what to expect, see answers to the most common yes, no, maybe list questions.
How to do it well
Choose the right moment. Do not do this on a difficult night. Do not do it as a last attempt to fix something that is already fracturing. The list works when both people feel calm and close. It does not function well as a crisis tool.
Fill it out separately. Filling it out separately is the whole point. You answer honestly when your partner cannot see your face. No performing. No second-guessing. No softening an answer to avoid an awkward reaction. If you sit together and go through it in the same room, you are not answering — you are negotiating. Those are different things.
Start with your matching yeses. When you compare, go to what you both said yes to first. Not the maybes. Not the discrepancies. The yeses. This is the consistent recommendation from therapists, and there is a reason for it. Starting with shared ground changes the energy of the conversation before you get to anything more complicated.
Talk about what your maybes mean. A maybe is not a half-yes. It might mean curious but nervous. Open to it under the right circumstances. Not sure yet. Those distinctions matter, and the only way to know which one it is is to ask. The word is a starting point, not a complete answer. Ask your partner what their maybe means to them. You will learn something.
Decades of Gottman Institute research on couples communication point consistently to the same thing: understanding your partner’s inner world — what they want, what they fear, what they have never said out loud — is one of the strongest predictors of long-term relationship satisfaction. The yes, no, maybe format is a concrete way to build that understanding.
You do not have to explain a no. Boundaries do not require justification. If your partner asks why, you can choose to answer. But you are never obligated to defend what you do not want. A no is honest information. It does not need a case built around it.
For a step-by-step walkthrough, including what to say if it feels awkward, see how to use a yes, no, maybe list with your partner.
What to do with your results
Start with your matching yeses. Not the maybes. Not the gaps. The yeses.
Most couples find overlap they did not expect, or had assumed without ever confirming. That moment — discovering something you both want that you have never talked about — tends to shift the mood before you get to anything more complex.
The maybe is the most important answer. This is something therapists find consistently. A maybe signals interest and hesitation at the same time — and that combination is worth exploring carefully. Not skipping over. Not interpreting without asking. Ask your partner what their maybe means. It might mean they are curious but nervous. Open to it with the right setup. Genuinely unsure. All of those are useful things to know. The word is a starting point for a conversation, not the end of one.
A no is not a failure. Two people whose no lists overlap have just learned something important — what they are both comfortable leaving aside. Two people whose lists do not align have even more to talk about, not less. A no is honest information. That is worth more than a yes that was not quite true.
The list is not a contract. Answering yes now does not mean yes forever. What it does is open a door. Where you go from there is a conversation between you, at whatever pace makes sense.
For more on what that kind of discovery creates between partners, see what generates couple joy and how to find more of it.
When this is not the right tool
If there is significant unresolved conflict in your relationship — or hurt, mistrust, or distance that has not been addressed — this is probably not the right place to start.
The list surfaces things. That is the point. But surfacing things requires enough safety between you to hold what comes up. If that is not there yet, the conversation can do more harm than good.
In that case, speaking to a professional first is the right call. Relate offers couples counselling across the UK. The BACP therapist directory can help you find a qualified therapist near you. A therapist first, the list later — in that order — is more likely to be useful.
YNM works well for couples who feel connected and want to deepen that connection. Not for couples who need repair first. If you are not sure which situation you are in, that conversation is worth having too.
If you are broadly okay but unsure where to start, understanding what relationship apps do and when they help can make that clearer.
When you are ready, see why the digital format makes this easier for most couples.
Frequently asked questions
What is a Yes, No, Maybe list?
A yes, no, maybe list is a communication tool that helps couples share their comfort levels and desires around intimate activities. Each partner marks items independently — yes, no, or maybe — then compares results. It is used in sex therapy and counselling as a structured way to open conversations that can be difficult to start any other way.
Is the YNM list anonymous?
Yes. YNM uses anonymous authentication by default, meaning you don’t even need to provide an email or any personal details to start using it. Your individual “yes”, “no”, and “maybe” responses are kept private and are never shown to your partner. Only mutual matches—where you both agreed on an activity—are revealed, ensuring the process remains entirely judgment-free and safe.
Is it only for kinky or adventurous couples?
No. The tool originated in BDSM communities but has been used by sex therapists for decades with couples of all types. The structure — separate completion, private comparison, talking about what you share — works for any couple. The content can be as broad or as focused as makes sense for you.
Should you fill it out together or separately?
Separately. This is the consistent recommendation from therapists, and it is the reason the format works. When you answer independently, without watching your partner’s reaction, you give more honest answers. The value of the list depends on that honesty.
What does “maybe” mean?
It depends on the person. A maybe might mean curious but uncertain. Open to it under the right circumstances. Not sure yet. The word signals something worth exploring — which is why talking about your maybes, not just your yeses, is often where the most useful conversations begin.
How often should couples revisit the list?
There is no fixed rule, but once a year is a reasonable starting point. Desires change, and so do relationships. What felt like a no two years ago might be a maybe now. Revisiting is not a sign something is wrong — it is a sign you are paying attention.
What if my partner refuses?
You cannot force the conversation, and trying to is likely to make it harder. If your partner is reluctant, the question worth exploring is what feels uncomfortable about it for them. That conversation may be more useful than the list itself.
Is it safe to do on an app?
A well-designed app keeps responses private and only shows results where both partners agree. Neither partner sees the other’s individual answers. The private format actually increases honesty for most couples by removing the face-to-face pressure of answering together.
We disagreed on most of our list. Is that a problem?
No. Desire discrepancy — partners wanting different things — is one of the most common dynamics in long-term relationships. The list does not fix the gap. What it does is make the gap visible, which is the first step toward being able to talk about it honestly.
YNM is built to make this easier. Each partner answers on their own device. You only see what you both agreed on — no awkward handoffs, no watching each other’s faces. Download on the App Store or Google Play.