Using a yes, no, maybe list is simpler than most guides make it sound. Each partner fills it out on their own. You compare results privately. Then you talk — starting with what you share. This post covers the process step by step, including what to do when answers differ and how to start the conversation if it feels uncomfortable.
On this page
- Before you start
- Step 1 — Fill it out separately
- Step 2 — Compare privately
- Step 3 — Start with your matching yeses
- When your answers differ
- If it feels awkward
- Frequently asked questions
Before you start
The most important decision is when to do this. Not which list to use. Not how to bring it up. When.
Therapists who work with couples report that “we’ve become distant” is one of the most common things people say at the start of a session. The root is usually not a lack of love — it is a gap in communication that has widened quietly over time. The yes, no, maybe format works best before you reach that point. It is a tool for couples who feel connected and want to deepen that connection — not a rescue operation.
Choose a moment when both of you feel calm. Not after a disagreement. Not late on a night when one of you is already tired. A relaxed evening when you are both in a good place is the right setting.
One more thing before you start: agree, together, that you will fill it out separately. This is not a small detail — it is the whole mechanism. More on why in Step 1.
If you want background on the format first, see what a yes, no, maybe list is and where it came from.
Step 1 — Fill it out separately
Filling it out separately is the whole point.
When you answer while your partner is watching, you are not just answering. You are also managing their reaction in real time. You edit. You soften. You guess what they want to hear. Research is consistent on this: even people in loving, trusting relationships hold back when answering face-to-face about desire. The instinct to protect yourself overrides the knowledge that your partner will not judge you.
Filling it out independently removes that entirely. You answer what is true for you, not what you expect to be received well.
Fill it out in a separate room, or at separate times. Do not share answers until you are both finished. Do not look over each other’s shoulders. This is the only step that requires any discipline — the rest follows naturally from it.
Step 2 — Compare privately
Once you are both finished, read each other’s answers privately — not out loud, not together in real time. If you are using a digital tool, this happens automatically. If you are using a written list, swap and read on your own first.
Give yourself a moment before you talk. Let the information land. It is normal to have a reaction — surprise, relief, a bit of awkwardness. None of that means something is wrong.
When you are both ready, move to Step 3.
Step 3 — Start with your matching yeses
Find your matching yeses before you look at anything else.
This is the consistent recommendation from therapists, and there is a reason for it. Most couples find overlap they did not expect — things they both want that they have never spoken about. That discovery tends to shift the energy of the conversation before you get to anything more complicated.
Start there. Talk about it. It is a good place to land.
For more on what that kind of shared discovery creates between partners, see what generates couple joy and how to find more of it.
From the matching yeses, move to the maybes. Not the disagreements — the maybes. A maybe from one or both of you means something worth exploring. Ask what it means. The word could mean curious but nervous. It could mean open to it, given the right setup. It could mean genuinely unsure. Ask. You will learn something.
When your answers differ
You will disagree on some things. This is normal.
A no from your partner is not a rejection of you. It is honest information about what they want — and honest information is more useful than a yes that was not quite true. Two people whose no lists overlap have learned something. Two people whose lists do not align have more to talk about, not less.
When something you said yes to is a no for your partner, resist the urge to immediately explain or justify your answer. You do not have to. You can simply acknowledge the difference and move on. Not every disagreement on the list needs a conversation. Some things can just be left where they are.
When a disagreement does feel worth discussing, start from curiosity rather than negotiation. “I noticed we see this differently — I’m curious what you think about it” lands differently to “I really want to talk about why you said no.” Same information. Different outcome.
Gottman Institute research consistently shows that how couples approach disagreement matters more than whether they disagree. A light touch and genuine curiosity go a long way.
If it feels awkward
It might feel awkward. That is fine.
Awkwardness is usually a sign you are doing something real — not that you are doing something wrong. Most couples have never had this conversation in this direct a way. The format is unfamiliar. Expect a little stiffness at the beginning.
If you are not sure how to bring it up, here are two ways that tend to work:
Low-key approach: “I read about this thing couples do to check in about what they both want. Do you want to try it? No pressure.”
Direct approach: “I’d like to understand more about what you want. Would you be up for doing a yes, no, maybe exercise? We each fill it out separately and then compare.”
Both of these work because they set expectations clearly — separate completion, no pressure, no immediate reveal. The surprise factor is one of the things that makes these conversations feel risky. Removing the surprise reduces the risk.
If your partner shuts down during the conversation, stop. Take a break. The list will still be there. A conversation that pauses gracefully is better than one that escalates. Come back when you are both ready.
If the whole idea makes your partner uncomfortable, that is worth sitting with — not pushing through. The question worth asking is what feels unsafe about it for them. That conversation might tell you more than the list would have.
For most couples, using a private digital tool makes this easier. Each person answers on their own device. You only see what both of you agreed on. See why the app format works well for this.
Frequently asked questions
Should you use a physical list or a digital one?
Either works, but digital tools have one practical advantage: each partner answers privately on their own device, with no risk of accidentally seeing the other’s answers before you are both ready to compare. This makes it easier to be honest.
How long does it take?
It depends on the length of the list. A focused list of 20–30 items takes around 10 minutes. A broader list can take longer. The important thing is that both partners fill it out independently, without rushing, before comparing.
What if one of us does not want to compare results straight away?
That is completely fine. Filling it out is a useful exercise on its own. Sit with your answers for a day or two if you need to. The conversation can happen when you are both ready. There is no deadline.
Do you have to talk about every item?
No. Most couples start with their matching yeses and go from there. You are not obligated to discuss every disagreement. Focus on what feels useful and what you both want to explore.
What if the conversation goes wrong?
Stop and take a break. The list will still be there. A conversation that pauses gracefully is better than one that escalates. Come back to it when you both feel ready — and if it keeps going wrong, speaking to a couples counsellor first may help.
For answers to common questions about the list, see yes, no, maybe list: frequently asked questions.