The yes, no, maybe list format raises a lot of questions, especially the first time. Most of them come down to the same concerns: who is this for, what happens when we disagree, and is this going to be awkward. Straight answers below.
For more context on what the format is and how therapists use it, see what a yes, no, maybe list is and where it came from.
Is it only for kinky couples?
No — though this is the most common thing people assume, and it comes directly from where the format originated.
The yes, no, maybe list developed in BDSM communities as a way to negotiate preferences and boundaries clearly. Some versions of the list reflect that. But the structure itself — mark each item separately, compare privately, talk about what you share — works for any couple, regardless of what is on the list.
Sex therapists and counsellors have used it for decades with couples of all types. The American Association of Sexuality Educators, Counselors and Therapists (AASECT) treats it as a standard tool in couples work, not an advanced or niche technique. The content of the list can be as broad or as conservative as makes sense for you.
Is the YNM list anonymous?
Yes. YNM uses anonymous authentication by default, meaning you don’t even need to provide an email or any personal details to start using it. Your individual “yes”, “no”, and “maybe” responses are kept strictly private and are never shown to your partner.
Only mutual matches—where you both agreed on an activity—are revealed. This ensures the process remains entirely judgment-free and safe, allowing you to be completely honest with yourself and your partner.
Should you do it early or later in a relationship?
There is no single right time.
Some couples use it early — as a way to build a shared vocabulary from the start and avoid the assumptions that accumulate quietly over years. Others come to it later, when certain conversations have become harder to begin. Both are legitimate uses.
What matters more than timing is readiness. Neither person should feel pressured into it, and it works best when both people feel calm and connected — not when the relationship is under strain. If you are not sure you are ready, that is worth saying to your partner. That conversation might be the more useful one right now.
What if my partner refuses to try it?
Respect that.
You cannot force this kind of conversation, and trying to will make it harder. If your partner is reluctant, the question worth asking — gently, without pressure — is what feels uncomfortable about it for them. Is it the topic? The format? Something that feels too exposing right now?
That conversation might tell you more than the list would have. And it might open the door to it eventually, in a way that pushing never would.
How often should couples revisit their list?
Once a year is a reasonable starting point, though there is no fixed rule.
Desires change. Relationships change. What felt like a definite no two years ago might be a maybe now, and what you both said yes to enthusiastically might have shifted. Checking in is not a sign something is wrong — it is a sign you are paying attention.
Some couples revisit it around a significant moment: an anniversary, a move, a period of reconnecting after a dry spell. The timing matters less than the intention. You are not looking for problems. You are checking in with each other, the same way you might check in about anything else that matters in your relationship.
What does “maybe” actually mean?
It depends on the person — and that is exactly why it matters.
A maybe might mean curious but nervous. Open to it, given the right circumstances or the right conversation. Not sure yet. Still working out how you feel about it. Any of those is a valid maybe. The word signals something worth exploring rather than skipping.
The mistake most couples make is treating maybe as a category to pass over, somewhere between yes and no. The therapists who recommend this format consistently point out the opposite: the maybes are often where the most interesting conversations happen. Ask your partner what their maybe means. The answer will tell you more than the item on the list ever could.
Is it safe to share intimate preferences on an app?
A well-designed app keeps your responses private and only shows results where both partners agree. Neither person sees the other’s individual answers unless both said yes to the same thing.
This is not just a privacy feature — it is what makes the digital format useful. When you answer privately, without your partner watching, you give more honest answers. The face-to-face pressure that causes people to soften or edit their responses is removed. You answer what is actually true for you.
That said, it is worth understanding how any app you use handles your data. A purpose-built tool designed specifically for this format is likely to handle privacy more carefully than a general app trying to replicate it. See why the digital format works well for this conversation.
We disagreed on most of our list. Is that a problem?
No.
Around 80% of couples experience mismatched desire at some point in their relationship — a pattern documented consistently in Gottman Institute research on long-term couples. One partner wanting different things — or a different amount — is one of the most common dynamics in long-term relationships. It only becomes a persistent problem when neither person feels able to name it.
The list does not fix the gap. What it does is make the gap visible. And visible is better than invisible, because a gap you can both see is something you can actually talk about.
Two people whose answers align on most things have found something useful. Two people whose lists diverge in significant ways have found something more important: they now know where the real conversation needs to happen.
Do you have to explain a “no”?
No.
Boundaries do not require justification. If your partner asks why, you can choose to answer — but you are never obligated to defend what you do not want. A no is honest information. That is enough.
Asking someone to explain every no often comes from a place of wanting to understand, not wanting to pressure — but it can feel like the latter. If your partner says no to something, the most useful response is usually to acknowledge it and move on. The conversation about why can happen later, if both of you want it to.
For the step-by-step process, see how to use a yes, no, maybe list with your partner. For background on the format and its clinical use, see what a yes, no, maybe list is.