A yes, no, maybe list is a simple format: each partner answers a set of questions privately, then you compare your responses and see where you overlap. The questions can cover physical closeness, communication, emotional connection, or things you have been curious about but have not raised. Below is a set of 50 questions written for that purpose — not to be completed in one sitting, not with any pressure to discuss every answer, but as a starting point for the conversations most couples want to have and do not quite know how to begin.
What the list is for
The yes, no, maybe format has been used in sex therapy and relationship counselling for decades. Its value is structural, not just informational. When you fill it out separately — each on your own, without knowing what your partner wrote — the social pressure of answering in front of each other disappears. You write what you actually think rather than what you think the other person wants to hear.
Research supports this. Studies consistently find that couples who communicate openly about desire and intimacy report higher satisfaction across the relationship, not just in one area. The barrier is rarely that people do not have opinions. It is that the format of a direct conversation makes honesty feel risky in a way that a private written answer does not.
The questions below are framed for couples of any kind — they do not assume a particular lifestyle or relationship structure. Answer honestly. Mark anything you are unsure about as maybe. That is where the conversation usually starts.
For a full guide to the process — how to compare, what to do when answers differ — see how to use a yes, no, maybe list.
Fifty questions for couples
Go through each question on your own. Mark yes, no, or maybe. Do not overthink it. You can always change an answer before you compare.
Physical closeness and touch
- Slower, more unhurried physical connection — taking longer than usual
- Full-body massage with no expectation of anything else
- Falling asleep while holding each other
- More physical affection during the day (not only at night)
- Spending time physically close with no particular agenda
- Different kinds of touch — lighter, firmer, slower, faster
- Staying physically close after intimacy rather than moving apart
- Being the one who reaches out or makes contact first more often
- Longer, slower kissing — more deliberate than it tends to be
- Physical contact that is purely about comfort, nothing more
Honesty and communication
- Saying out loud what you enjoy while it is happening
- Asking for what you want directly rather than hinting
- Sharing something you have been curious about but have not said
- Listening to something your partner is curious about without reacting straight away
- Talking openly about what has felt missing or less frequent lately
- Telling your partner when something feels particularly good
- Being honest when you are not in the mood without it turning into a discussion
- Asking your partner what they wish happened more often
- Gentle, honest feedback after intimacy — what worked, what you want more of
- A conversation about what a better physical relationship would feel like for both of you
New experiences
- A different time of day or evening than your usual pattern
- A different setting within the home
- More deliberate mood: softer lighting, music, time set aside in advance
- Introducing a toy or prop
- Taking turns being in charge — one partner leads, the other follows entirely
- Something from a fantasy one of you has mentioned before
- A much slower approach — significantly longer than usual, no rushing
- An evening that is focused entirely on one partner’s experience
- Exploring something you have both marked as a maybe
- Returning to something you both enjoyed but have not done in some time
Emotional closeness
- More honest conversations about how you are feeling in the relationship
- A specific evening set aside — no phones, no other plans
- Saying out loud what you find attractive about your partner
- Naming something that has been creating quiet distance between you
- Being curious about what your partner is carrying or thinking about right now
- Sharing something about yourself that your partner does not know
- Regular check-ins about how the other person is feeling
- Physical contact that is purely affectionate, with no further intention
- Doing something new together outside the home
- A conversation about what intimacy means to each of you — not assumed, actually discussed
Pace, timing, and boundaries
- Slowing the whole approach down — more time, less urgency
- An agreed way to say “not tonight” that does not feel like rejection
- Taking physical intimacy off the table entirely for a set period
- Coming back to this list in three or four months to see what has changed
- An agreement that either partner can pause anything at any point without explaining
- A word or signal that means “I would like to stop” — understood by both of you
- A conversation about what each of your maybe answers actually means
- One small thing to try this week, chosen by each of you independently
- Revisiting a no after a period of time — with no pressure attached
- Setting aside time each month to talk honestly about how things have been
How to use your answers
Once you have both answered independently, compare your responses. The standard recommendation from therapists — and the one most couples find easiest to follow — is to start with your matching yeses. Not the maybes, not the differing answers. The shared yeses first.
Starting with overlap does two things. It gives you something immediate to act on. And it changes the emotional tone of what comes next. Couples who find unexpected shared yeses — things both people wanted but had never said — often find that the rest of the conversation feels easier because of it.
From there, the maybes are usually more interesting than the nos. A maybe is not a no. It is an answer that contains something worth asking about. What does curious-but-nervous look like for your partner? What would need to be different for a maybe to become a yes? Those conversations rarely happen without a structure to open them.
The nos do not need explaining. A boundary is honest information. Your partner does not need a justification, and you should not feel you owe one.
For a full walkthrough of what to do after you compare — including what to do when answers differ significantly — the yes, no, maybe list FAQ covers the most common scenarios.
The 50 questions above cover the territory most couples find useful to start with. If you want to go further, the YNM app has a much broader curated set — questions across several categories, from everyday physical closeness through to more adventurous territory — each designed to surface conversations that are harder to start out loud. Each partner answers privately on their own device, and you only see results where you both matched. Neither person ever sees the other’s individual responses. That matched-results format is what makes it meaningfully different from working through a printed list together: the social pressure is gone, so the answers tend to be more honest.
The maybe is worth more attention
Most couples spend their time on the yeses and the nos. The maybe tends to get skipped.
That is the wrong order of priority. Therapists consistently find that the maybe column is where the most useful conversations start. It signals something real: curiosity alongside hesitation, or openness that comes with conditions not yet named. That combination is worth exploring, not bypassing.
When you see a maybe — yours or your partner’s — the question is not “so is it a yes or no?” That misses the point. The question is: what does this maybe actually mean? Is it “I have thought about this and I am genuinely not sure”? Or “I would be open to this if we talked about it more first”? Or “I find this interesting but I am not sure we are there yet”?
Those distinctions matter. And most of them never get said because nobody asks. The list gives you a reason to ask.
When the list is not the right starting point
A yes, no, maybe list works well when both partners feel broadly safe and settled with each other. It is not the right tool if there is significant unresolved conflict, recent hurt, or a level of disconnection where trust has frayed.
In that situation, the list can surface things before there is enough safety in the relationship to hold them. That is not a failure of the format — it is a signal to get support first.
If the relationship is under real strain, couples therapy or relationship counselling is the better starting point. A therapist can help create the conditions where this kind of conversation becomes possible. Relate offers counselling across the UK. In the US, the American Association of Sexuality Educators, Counselors and Therapists maintains a therapist directory. For international options, the Gottman Referral Network covers practitioners in many countries.
If you want to understand more about when therapy makes sense before self-guided tools, the couples therapy guide covers the signs and the options.
Straight answers
Does a yes, no, maybe list have to cover sexual activities?
No. A yes, no, maybe list can cover any dimension of physical or emotional closeness — from how often you make physical contact during the day to whether you want to share a fantasy. The format works wherever honest answers are harder to say out loud than to write down.
Should we fill it out together or separately?
Separately, always. The point of the format is that you answer without knowing what your partner wrote. Filling it out in the same room — or sharing answers as you go — reintroduces the social pressure the structure is designed to remove.
What if we have very different answers across most of the list?
That is useful information. Desire discrepancy — partners wanting different things — is one of the most common dynamics in long-term relationships. The list does not create the gap; it makes it visible. And a visible gap is one you can actually talk about.
Is the yes, no, maybe format only for couples with problems?
No. Many couples use it proactively, before anything feels stuck. It tends to surface conversations both people wanted to have but had not found a way to start. The questions work regardless of where the relationship is.
What if one of us finds the list uncomfortable?
That discomfort is worth noticing. It usually points to something meaningful — a topic that feels loaded, or a part of the conversation you have both been avoiding. Nobody should feel pushed into completing it. If the discomfort is significant, a therapist can help you approach the conversation more safely.
How is a structured list different from just talking?
Structure removes a layer of social pressure. When you fill it out separately, you are not watching your partner’s face as they read your answers. That changes what people write — and what they are willing to admit to themselves. Research consistently finds that sexual communication improves when people can answer privately before comparing.
